FML

This is why I never wanted to get involved again. I always get hurt, it ALWAYS is to good to be true. I have been holding back so many things because I know he doesn't want it but I have been all about him for a month now and he's ok with that. The thing is, when it's my turn he can't be there. He accidently said "Ilove you" to me last night, which I could have gotten over if he didn't react like he just stuck his hand in acid after he said it. I mean he literally pushed me away from him. The other day we had a conversation about not blurring the lines of our friendship by calling each other babe, but he called me that yesterday too, I guess that was an accident too. Well whatever it is, it hurts right now and I feel like shit. I am not the ex's and ya know I have been there for him and helped him and listened to him and accepted it all because I know it helps him but I'm starting to see the other shoe dropping. Oh fuck it!!! What did I think was going to happen. Yes I know it's crazy, but my heart is really broken right now....I never wanted this or asked for this and I never ever should have dropped my guard and allowed myself to be here again.

Happy For Once

Well here I go again. I'm not sure what world I'm in right now, but I'm happy and it feels great. For the first time in my life someone is interested in me and I'm not chasing and he's not chasing but we are getting closer everyday. I know I have a crush on him but because of my past I'm afraid to think I might be in love, my mind has tricked me that way before. He says we're friends but everything we do is boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. There have been moments when I have really wanted to call him babe and eve tell him that I love him. I'm holding back my feelings because I'm also afraid to pressure or scare him away. I think he is the same as me though because he does very sweet things for me that shows me he must feel the same way. I would love to jump into this head firs right now but I want to see every part of him before things move on. I definatley have feelings more than friends. I feel like his woman and he treats me like his woman and he expects me to behave like his woman...but we call each other friends....it's kinda bugging me a little bit because I think we're in denial about the relationship. It's all good though because other than that I am totally happy with how it is now...I just don't have a title. I can accept that for now, it's still new. It is very emotional when we are in bed though, he takes my breath away like no other. He is gentle and caring but so strong and protective. I have always wanted to feel secure in that a man would and could stand up for me and protect me and thats what he does. He makes me feel like his...like I'm part of something. When I'm with him I feel safe and warm. The time goes by so fast though and I don't want to miss a single moment with him. I never thought I could feel this way.